The story I’m about to tell has
haunted me for years. I’m even writing this the day after another restless
night dreaming about it. I don’t understand why I can’t shake this. It happened
in High School and was fairly
innocent, but it gives me constant heartburn.
I met Kay at the youth group I
was attending in Leduc. We had an instant attraction to each other and began dating.
For some reason my mom decided that she didn’t like Kay and put a lot of
pressure on me to stop seeing her. I wish I’d been a little more independent of
my mom but, wanting to honor her, I broke up with Kay a couple of months later.
This didn’t stop the two of us from liking each other and
it didn’t take long for us to start “seeing each other” again. This pattern was
to continue over the next year, always with me calling it off.
I broke up with Kay about six weeks before my High School
graduation and started dating another girl. But about a week before my grad,
Kay and I started dating again. The problem was, I was still dating Jennifer at
the same time. When graduation came I was stuck with two dates. In something
out of an Archie comic I concocted a
plan where I would take one girl to supper and the other to the dance that
followed. I just had to find a way to wrap up the evening with the first girl
so I could meet up with the second girl. Things didn’t turn out as smoothly as
I had hoped. With the supper and dance being at the same venue there was this “in
between” time where the two girls discovered each other and I quickly became unpopular
with both of them. I later found hate mail from Jennifer in the glove
compartment of my car. I deserved that note, but I laughed it off at the time –
whether out of cold-heartedness or an uncomfortable conviction I don’t know.
 |
| Stef and Jennifer at his grad |
You’d think I’d learn after an
event like this, but after my summer holidays I was off to Bible College and
Kay and I were dating again. Kay had one year left of High School. Within weeks
of college I met Becky and we started dating. And yes, while I was still dating
Kay. I knew I couldn’t be in both relationships and so, after ignoring Kay for
a couple of weeks and hoping that she would break up with me, the two of us got
together. I remember every detail of what followed.
Kay came over to my house and ran into my arms, passionately
kissed me and told me how much she missed me. I wasn’t about to pass up a
passionate kiss and so I kissed her back with the same enthusiasm. We then sat
down and started talking and I proceeded to break up with her again (this would be the fourth time). I
didn’t tell her about the other girl. I just made some lame excuse about the
busyness of college. I remember Kay’s tears and her words, “You kissed me.
Right before you were going to break up with me?” Then, to put a soundtrack to
the event, right at that moment the song Pray
for Me by Michael W. Smith came out of my CD player.
Here is where the road divides
Here is where we realize
The sculpting of the Father's great design
Thru' time you've been a friend to me
But time is now the enemy
I wish we didn't have to say goodbye
But I know the road he chose for me
Is not the road he chose for you
So as we chase the dreams we're after
Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Here is where we realize
The sculpting of the Father's great design
Thru' time you've been a friend to me
But time is now the enemy
I wish we didn't have to say goodbye
But I know the road he chose for me
Is not the road he chose for you
So as we chase the dreams we're after
Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Why was I such a jerk to these girls, especially Kay? Kay
was beautiful, a strong Christian, a loyal friend and someone who believed in
me and my calling into ministry. Why did I treat her so poorly? Fortunately, I
had enough morals not to take advantage of any of these girls sexually, but I certainly
played with their emotions – and I know that that final break-up with Kay broke
her heart. I think that is why I still have such a hard time shaking this. To
know that I willingly broke someone’s heart for no other reason than because I
was a selfish immature jerk has been hard to forgive. Another reminder of the
cruelty and evil I am capable of.
My recurring dreams are not nightmares, but dreams of our
relationship in High School and of me treating Kay the way she deserved to be
treated. There are few “do overs” I wish for, but this is one of them. I’m not
saying that everything would have worked out between us or that I’m unhappy
with who I’m with today. I’ve never second guessed my marriage to Nancy or ever
wished to be married to someone else. I never dream about what life would be
like married to Kay. I never think of her that way. I just wish I hadn’t
treated her so poorly. I wish I could go back and date her in such a way that
would have honored her feelings, her love for me and her genuine faith. That is
what I keep dreaming and, since I can’t control my dreams, they keep occurring
and waking me up to feel like cow manure.
I think Kay was the first girl, and probably only girl other
than Nancy, that I really loved. But between my immaturity, self-centeredness, sinfulness,
insecurity and mother’s disapproval, I didn’t handle myself well with her.
It was only a few months after I broke up with Kay that I
broke up with the girl I met in college. After this I stopped dating altogether
until I met Nancy three years later. God was about to tear me apart and put me
back together, as you’ll read about in the next two chapters.
I have no idea where Kay is today and do not think it’s healthy
to hunt her down and pour out my feelings about how badly I treated her. She’s probably
long forgotten me, but for what it’s worth, I’d like to at least put down on
paper, “Kay, I am sorry for the way I treated you and broke your heart. I hope you
are thriving today.”
Discuss: Share a story or two from your dating years.
Even if Kay never reads your apology I think others can appreciate it on her behalf. I am glad that I am not the only one occasionally haunted by dreams of love past. I suppose it is not uncommon not to get it right the first time. It certainly does help us appreciate it more when we do get it right. Melissa Neufeld
ReplyDeleteDating two different beliefs
ReplyDeleteAs a young girl growing up in rural Uruguay, I had big dreams, great thirst for knowledge and not many means to accomplish my dreams or acquire much knowledge.
In my searching I became a member of a “mobile library”. The way it worked was that I received a list of books and text books titles by mail and then by mail I requested the desired books and again by mail the books arrived at my house.
The whole process took about a month.
I loved it! This system allowed me to get books and books were and still are very precious to me.
The head of the mobile library was Señor Obelar and the administrator was his wife.
Señor Obelar was involved in spiritism (Spiritualism) and soon he and his wife begun to send me reading material about the world of spiritism .The reading material was intriguing to me and I kept asking questions and they were more than happy to answer.
Obelar and his wife were also writers and became dear and close friends as we shared our love for words, I was invited to visit their home in the capital city and I went several times.
From delightful afternoons of tea, books and poetry, the visits turned more and more into indoctrination sessions.
For a while my young mind gave the spritism doctrine serious thoughts. At the same time I was teaching catechism to a group of young children from my neighborhood with the supervision of Sister Laura.
Two different beliefs and a young girl wanting to know more about just about anything.
Two powerful doctrines and my soul on the line (although at the moment I did not know that was the case) from the Pope to Alan Kardec, from the rosary to the possibility to communicate with the dead, (which coming to think it wasn’t that far out, because I was dead as people without Christ are.)For about a year and half I couldn’t decide, which one of the two I should follow.
Sister Laura knew of my trips to the city and also about the mobile library and she begun to ask questions. The Obelars became more and more intense in their preaching and I became more and more frustrated with the three of them. Looking back I can say “what a wasted time! But looking back I can also say, how vigilant my Father God was! How he protected me from getting entangle in rosaries or worse, in a doctrine of such dark overtone. This is the verse it comes to me every time I think about those days “I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them.” Hosea 11:4
How did I get out from dating two beliefs? I fell in love, not with a doctrine but with a man and that was the end of catechism and spritism for me, (remember, I was young…)
Alicia
In high school I had one boyfriend for about a year. He was a great guy, respectful of my beliefs, never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to... but wasn't a Christian. I justified dating him for those reasons but eventually realized that what was missing in our relationship was Jesus, so I broke up with him. I learned a HARD lesson through that breakup... I always knew I wouldn't marry him, but he felt differently. I learned not to date people once I knew they weren't the one, instead of stringing them along. I still regret how much I hurt him.
ReplyDeleteAround that time, a Christian couple I really looked up to divorced. I was crushed that people who seemed to have everything together could still split. After that I became much more leery about trusting people I dated and often looked for things that were wrong with the relationship or person so I could break it off as soon as possible and stick to my personal rule of not dating without a purpose.
I ended up dating quite a few people, all for short periods of time. Some for a couple of dates before I knew it wasn't right, and some for a couple of months. Other than dating a few more non-Christians (what was I thinking, when I wanted to marry a Christian?!) I am very thankful that I was able to break those relationships off before either of us was too invested in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, but I was also worried that I would never get married because after a couple of weeks or months I would usually have a little "freak out" about not trusting them or looking for things to dump them for.
The last straw was when I dated a guy I had nothing in common with, who wasn't a Christian. I did it AGAIN! And I knew from day one he wasn't the one but I dated him anyways!! That was my tragic flaw of dating.... picking apart all flaws except for their views about God. Thankfully, after a few months, the boyfriend flat out told me that "my religion was a crock of ****" and I immediatly dumped him. I FINALLY learned my lesson, and he was the last non-Christian I dated.
One thing I can look back on in those failed dates or relationships was that I learned from each of them. I love how God can still teach us things and shape our lives even when we make stupid decisions. Because of some of those boyfriends (or the break ups), I learned to have a backbone, say what I felt, avoid passive agressive fights. I learned what I wanted in a relationship, in a spouse, and in our walk with God together. So at least when I look back and say "what was I thinking?!" I can at least conclude that God knew what he was doing.
A year after dumping that last boyfriend with his rude comments,I started dating Sheldon - and I never had that little freak out, I never worried about our future, and I always trusted him. I knew he was the one pretty much right away, actually! Sometimes you really do know when someone is The One.... and sometimes it takes some poor judgement along the way to know what "The One" looks like. I know some great couples who were high school sweethearts, but that certainly wasn't me. But you know what? That's okay. God was there for me anyways.