I never enjoyed swimming lessons. You’re cold. You’re
practically naked. You’re being graded. And, in my day, we had to practice
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on an actual
human! Add to this the problem I had every time I first jumped into the
water. I don’t know why it happened, but I always had to pee. I couldn’t continually
ask my teacher if I could go to the bathroom at the start of each class. He
would just tell me to go before the lesson started. But that was my problem. I
never had to go before. It always
came upon me as soon as I jumped in the pool. I also can’t pee under pressure
and so, if I was expected to go
before, everything would just freeze up. To this day I cannot pee into a urinal
if there is someone waiting behind me. If I’m caught in that situation I just
wait and then zip up my pants and pretend to have gone. Usually I just look for
a private stall in order to avoid this.
I didn’t want to ask my teacher every time. I didn’t need
to go before class. And I couldn’t get through class with the pressure in my
bladder. That left only one solution. I peed in the pool. Not just once, but pretty
much at the start of every swimming lesson. I apologize to those who swam with
me.
Since this chapter is on “pee” I’m reminded of another
incident that happened a few years later. It was at summer camp and my
counselor was sitting at the end of the table telling jokes. Like everyone else
my sides were hurting from laughter. Then it happened! I couldn’t hold it any
longer and once it started I just let it all come out. I’d peed in my pants and
I was eleven years old! The relief felt good, but how was I going to get out of
this without anyone discovering what I did? We were sitting at a long picnic
type table, but as soon as lunch was over I was going to have to stand up. That’s
when I had an idea. The way dishes were done at this camp was to have two bus
pans brought to each table. One was full of soapy water for washing and the
other with clear water for rinsing. I volunteer to do the dishes and when the
bus pans came over to our table I made sure they were right in front of me. When
I stood up I grabbed the side of one of the bus pans and pretended to push
myself out of my seated position. As I did this I ended up overturning the pan
and spilling the water all over me. Everyone laughed at how “clumsy” I was, but
that was better than them knowing I peed my pants. Since I was soaking wet my
counsellor told me to go to back to our cabin and change, so I also got out of
doing the dishes!!! It was brilliant.
If someone needs a life lesson from these stories here is
what I’ve learned: You shouldn’t pee in swimming pools. But if I was at a
friend’s house today and I laughed so hard that I peed in my pants again, I
would still spill something on myself to conceal the damage!
Share an embarrassing story of something that's happened to you.
My story does not involve any bodily functions; however, it was nonetheless extremely embarrassing.
ReplyDeleteCorey and I met on a blind date and became engaged just 3 weeks later. ( no that's not the embarrassing story ). One of my former co-workers was married to an employee of the B.C. Lions organization. We were invited to a party that was made up of mainly B.C. Lions affiliates. Corey was and still is a big Lions fan so I knew he was happy to be at this function. I, of course, wanted to impress him with my football knowledge so as we were in a fairly large group discussing various football related stories, I brilliantly asked the group , "What is Tiger Williams really like?" There was dead silence. I mean DEAD SILENCE. Everyone looked at me as if I had said something bizarre. Corey leaned in and said ( although it felt like he shouted it out loud ) that Tiger Williams was a hockey player for the Canucks and not a football player. I think we left soon after.Corey was gracious and thought it was sweet that I was trying to understand his interests. Since then, I have become a huge Lions fan and over the years have begun to understand the game and the names of the players.
But, this story does get brought up on many occasions!
*Comedic Life Lessons-
ReplyDeleteI crumpled against the wall in helpless laughter. Why, oh, why did I not take the thought just a tiny bit further before speaking. That would not be true to my MO though. I had tried the bathroom door but found it locked. It was located just off the foyer of the church and as the church was full of people milling around, I perceived a need.
Seeing our two Pastors walking towards me, I piped up my concerns. 'Shouldn't the bathroom be unlocked?' I most likely said too loudly.
My Pastor, with a very solemn expression said, 'There is most likely someone in there.'
He didn't crack a smile nor did his eyes reveal a twinkle.
I had assumed that that door led to a multi-stall bathroom, so again, made an ass out of myself...
How he managed to keep it together, as I am howling with laughter, is one of life's deepest mysteries to me.
Oh how I wished to be a fly on the wall, though, when he told his wife later. :0)
I had to make peace with embarrassment ever since I came to this country.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking English (and writing it for that matter) is a generous source of embarrassment for me.
For many years I kept silent knowing that if I opened my mouth “funny” sounding words will come out, tripping over each other, and heavy with my Latin-American accent.
However, I grew tired of being seen but not heard and throwing caution to the wind I begun to speak English. The interesting thing is that God placed me in a job that requires me to speak English continually; I can imagine Him smiling every time I open my classroom doors and welcome the children and families.
In this area of my life I can also grasp the lesson he is teaching me, that is not all about me and my little feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment, here too there is a bigger picture…
The real story, though, has nothing to do with speaking English or any other language, still every time I remembered it I blush.
In the early hours of a winter morning, a twenty three years old me, was walking to the bus stop in East Vancouver. The street was almost deserted and the fog made everything look a little eerie. Suddenly I saw a car that had stop in the middle of the street and a person pushing it.
I saw her from the back, khaki pants, black coat and long blond hair.
“A sister in distress” I thought “I must help her” I quicken my steps and helped her to push the car a few meters until the engine begun to cough. Then she turned to face me and to my surprise I saw that a long beard covered the face of “my sister in distress” then a deep, very manly voice said something to me, I didn't care to listen, for I was running as fast as I could back home, in fact I didn't stop until I got to the steps of my house. Needless to say, I was late for work on that day.
I don’t know what was most embarrassing; the fact that I thought he was a she, or the fact that I ran in sheer fear.
After reading Pastor Stefano’s brilliant way of disguising his embarrassment I am thinking what could I have done or said to disguise my running in fear…
No, I cannot come up with anything.
Alicia
While serving as a medical missionary in Nigeria and Cameroon I visited many churches and at times was asked to preach the sermon. I really was more comfortable fixing hernias and treating Malaria. On one occasion in Cameroon I was to preach and sat up on the platform beside the pastor. It was a long wait as a number of choirs had to sing several songs each, the congregation had to sing for a while, the announcements were long, and then there was the prolonged collection of the offering with dancing and singing. I happened to look down at my lap and noticed something white on my lap. To my horror I discovered that the bottom end of my white shirt was protruding through the zipper part of my pants. I quickly slid my bible over to cover the disaster scene, grateful that I did not bring a tiny New Testament. Beads of sweat broke out on my forehead as I frantically tried to devise a plan to recover gracefully and unnoticed - very difficult to do sitting on a raised platform with several hundred eyes looking at me. There was no time left as the pastor just announced that I was to bring the morning message NOW. I broke all records for the 10 yard dash from my chair to the pulpit! I was grateful for the large wooden pulpit that I could hug. In this case the pulpit was not a barrier to communication with the congregation. There was a long period of silence as I struggled to get my brain out of "panic mode" and to remember the contents of my sermon notes. I did manage to preach the message, but was distracted a bit by simultaneously trying to plan a dignified graceful exit as well. It was custom in that church for the Pastor and guest speaker to walk down the center aisle and greet the congregants outside the door of the church. I got down the aisle with my bible strategically placed and got outside where it was raining heavily. I held my folded up umbrella in front of me and got soaking wet shaking hands. I finally got a private moment to check out what happened. My zipper handle was pulled all the way up into the proper position, but the zipper came undone from the bottom up. The whole zipper was, as we say in German, "Kaput!" Needless to say, I never wore those pants again despite my wife's offer to sew in a new zipper.
ReplyDeleteFall of 2002, Aldergrove, BC.
ReplyDeleteEarly in the morning as the truck came to a stop, we piled out of the back quickly gathered into our 4 man groups and wandered off the road and into the bush. Camouflaged our face, neck and hands, prepared our weapons and received our first orders. Welcome to the army reserves with the Canadian Forces. I was a new recruit at the time and this was a round robin competition where we were required to navigate our way from point to point and carry out various tasks. Don’t ask me what those tasks were. We didn’t even make it to our first one. Here’s my embarrassing navigation story.
Using the map, protractor and compass we quickly orientated ourselves to the ground and plotted our route to the first location. It didn’t take long before the four of us, all new recruits, were confidently on our way. This was a chance to prove ourselves. A senior Corporal followed along to keep an eye on us and provide any help if needed.
It didn’t take long however before we hit a wall of thick shrubs. It was at this point that the landscape on the map already wasn’t making sense to reality (photocopy from the 1960’s). Slowly, slowly we navigated our way in an endless mess of branches and shrubs. Knowing a better route, the following Corporal eventually told us he’s going another way and will meet us at the objective. And just like that, he was gone. We translated his disappearance as “we’re doing pretty good eh?”.
As time went on, in the middle of this thick bush and trees we stumbled upon a farmers fence. Confused and thinking we had to go farther, we consulted the map – no fences and our objective was in a clearing, not in the middle of the trees. So with that, we happily hopped the fence and continued.
After only a few more metres, still within the thick trees and shrubs, we walked into another obstacle. This time a tall 10m high fence – what is with all these fences on a fenceless map?? Our instincts told us something was wrong so I climbed to the top and tried to make out what this fence was for. I saw another fence joining onto this one (??). Strange. At least the trees started to thin out and looked like the clearing we were looking for wasn’t too far away – and if it wasn’t where we were supposed to get to, at the very least we’d be able to take a look and figure it out on the map. So with that, up and over we went.
We waited on the other side trying to listen and take in the surroundings. Then it happened. We looked around and there, on the other side of the joining fence, five beautiful large deer. Couldn’t believe it! What luck. After moving around a little bit, hidden among some trees, a shed with a donkey eating out of his loft looking at us. Reality set in. We were in the donkey pen of the Greater Vancouver Zoo.
The radio wasn’t working. Unwilling to go back the way we came – another great idea dawned on us - we walked straight out to the main public walkway (camouflaged faces, weapons and all) found a surprised worker, explained ourselves then walked out. Thankfully navigating our way out wasn’t as difficult. The staff escorted our entire way.
Andrew
Great story. You guys are lucky you didn't climb into a lion's cage!!!
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